Nightmare

It is overcast and blustery around these parts.
In a way it is a blessing.
We have been praying for rain the last two weeks...
To hopefully dispel the smoke that traveled down from Idaho fires.

With the heavy feeling in the air,
The weather is also fitting;
As today, my cousin is forced to be part of every mother's worst nightmare...
Today she has to bury her baby.

Luke was born in May.
Allie went into be induced on May the Fourth,
So to me it is only fitting that on Star Wars Day, he was named Luke:)

Last Wednesday morning, I got a call from my Step Mom Janis.
She was sobbing and I could barely understand her.
I started to panic, thinking maybe she had gotten in a wreck with my kids.
Instead she told my that Luke had passed away in the night.

I was almost to work at that point, but turned around to go get my kids.
The whole time I was thinking, "This can't be real!"
But it was real, and my cousins family is devastated.
My heart breaks for them.
It breaks because they are family...
But mostly it breaks because I am a mother.

What Allie is going through...
My WORST nightmare and paranoid fear.
To have to choose a casket for your child that requires only one pallbearer,
Due to a life so shortly lived.

Sometimes it is just part of The Plan,
As sucky as it is...
To be left behind to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart.

Each day will be a process to drag yourself out of bed,
Praying and pleading to make it through the day...
Hoping that, while the pain will NEVER go away,
You will scar and heal and remember.

Asher, Abbie, and I did baking therapy on Wednesday.
We made Peanut Butter Cookies and dipped them in milk.
We decided not to let the kids go to the funeral.
Asher had a hard time understanding when my Grandpa passed a few of months ago.
I can't even go for a myriad of reasons. (Work, being pregnant, emotions)

Abbie and I both had nightmares Wednesday night.
Abbie told me she dreamed she was drowning and couldn't breathe...
My brain wouldn't shut up, and I kept projecting myself into their situation.
Asher asked me if I bought a special blanket (Zippered Sleep Sack),
So our baby wouldn't choke.
It breaks my heart that at almost five, he is worried about that.

If the Lord chooses, like he did with Luke,
That babies come down long enough to gain a body, then return to Him...
It is going to happen no matter what precautions we take.
We just have to have FAITH, and make as many memories as we can.

I just needed to write this out.
I have had so many thoughts churning in my head.
My heart aches for mother's who have lost a child.
I am so sorry for your loss is the only thing I can think to say.